November 5, 2008: Hillary Clinton has lost her history making bid for the presidency in a highly contentious election that drew record turnout. Analysts are stunned but exit polling confirms that Sharon Stone was right: Hillary Clinton is too sexy to be the first female president of the United States of America.
"Personally, I never saw it," admitted veteran commentator Brit Hume. "The only way I can explain it is that the mainstream media never published any photos of her legs. Anyone who has seen those chubs, as the entire Washington press corps has, would not consider excessive sex appeal to be one of Clinton's negatives."
Voters in some areas seemed confused by the ballot. "I looked everywhere for Sharon Stone's name. She wasn't on the ballot anywhere. This election is so lame." declared Josh Carner of Palm Beach, Florida, a first time voter. "I mean, I saw the movie and Jon Stewart had Sharon Stone on his show. Dude, I thought she was going to be our next uh, you know..." He seemed to struggle to find the right words.
Despite her defeat, former Senator Clinton was upbeat, having made unprecedented gains in key voting blocks. Record turnout among lesbian poetry slam attendees and mentally challenged illegal aliens kept her loss within a respectable ten points of the Republican nominee, now President-elect, Barney Bush. It was widely acknowledged by analysts that Barney was not too sexy for the job, unless dogs were included in the groups polled. Despite the lobbying efforts of Republican PETA members Harley and Josam Kuykendahl, there has been no support for extending the right to vote to dogs, so heated poll numbers in that group meant nothing for the outcome of the election.
Rumors from Clinton's past seemed to dog her campaign as well. Despite a lack of evidence
Tops in "Show Me" State of any wrong-doing, distrust lingered among voters.
"I just think she's covering up something, " one voter outside a South Dakota polling place mused.
Surprisingly, former Senator Clinton did best in Missouri where her bio-pic, Triumph of the Hills: Basic Instinct 3 broke box office records.
Related Stories: See Michael Barone's election analysis, including the rise of a new voter block, the "Black Dog Republican," in the Special Election Supplement.